Thursday, January 19, 2006


I can feel death consuming me. Feel it smothering me. Whispering in my ear that it's ok to let go, I'll be safe. I'll finally be at peace.

But on the flip side of that I see a hand held out to me. A helping hand. Hearing another voice whispering that I can't let go because of my daughter.

It's hard to be trapped in a place where you know what is best for you, yet it's the worst possible thing for someone you love. How do you choose which voice to listen to? I feel like which ever path I chose it will end up being the wrong one.

Frozen in time. Afraid to move. This is where life has lead me.


Blogger Maggs said...

Sid: The decision: Selfish or Selfless? I do everything for my sweet daughter. Don’t think I’ve never felt like you have, I have similarly. Mine is running away.

As for ECT, I don’t know that much about it. I’m bipolar 2. I have way more depressive episodes than hypomanic episodes. I went for 10 years diagnosed as having major depression. It was my fault. I mean, don’t you go to the doctor to tell them what ails ya? I never brought up the mania-figured it was just me being hyper. Wrong!

Seroquel is good stuff. I took it before I had the baby.

Regarding getting better, um, all I can say is I didn’t until I wanted to get better. That’s not to say that it works for everyone. It’s the right place at the right time, you know? So don’t think I’m belittling your thoughts on all of this. I’d never do that.

2:07 PM, January 19, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

Sid: Listen to that voice that says you can't let go because of your daughter. you love your daughter very very much and it would be a tragedy if she lost her loving mother. in fact it would be a tragedy to all of us who have come to know and love you thru Blogland.

i can certainly understand that feeling of wanting to just cash in my chips and let go, but, the love i have for my children has kept me alive, and though i may encounter some rough terrain on my journey thru mental illness, i hold on to the fact that my daughters love me regardless - whether i'm sitting alone rocking back and forth, blankly staring into space, or whether i'm sharing a laugh or two with them, they are my anchor, my lifesavers, and though i may still hurt deep down inside, i carry on, because i love them more than i love myself.

i'm here if you need me, okay? i dont want to make a pest of myself, but i really miss talking with you on Yahoo.

please take care of yourself Sid, because there is only one YOU.


2:30 PM, January 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Sid,
I made it to the library today and wanted to see how your doing. But it doesnt look like things are going very well for you. Im in the same boat, not knowing which way to turn, not wanting to be here but afraid to get out. I think were both intensly afraid of failure and thats why were afraid to move on.

Its a good thing you have your daughter, she gives you something to carry on for, shes your life line.
Im so sorry the abilify isnt working, I was hoping it would help but I understand how hard it is to find something to help. Ive quit all my meds and dont know if Ill take anymore.
Im going in for another evaluation next week, maybe you should do the same. Maybe you do have bi polar as well and need different medication.

I want for you to get better, not just for your daughter but for you too. Its importantant that you be happy as well. You cant just go on feeling this way.
Please take care, Ill keep praying for you.

Many hugggs,

3:06 PM, January 19, 2006  

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