Monday, February 13, 2006

Last day on earth

So I was in tears last night. Not from the cutting, but rather from a line from Grey's Anatomy that kept playing over and over in my head.

"If you knew this was your last day on earth, how would you want to spend it?"

For some reason this hit a nerve with me. Maybe because I feel that my last day is quickly approaching and I need to have an answer to that question.

When I walked off my job in October 2003, with every intention of dying on my birthday that year, my plan was to take my daughter to Discovery Cove in Florida. My one final wish was to be there to witness her first swim with the dolphins. I wanted nothing more out of life than to spend my final day that way.

I think that would still be the answer. I'd want to spend the day making my daughter's dream come true.

But then I wonder....if she was aware of the fact that it was my last day on earth, would her dream no longer be to swim with the dolphins, but rather that I could find a reason to hold onto life?

Let the tears flow again.


Blogger James said...

Well, she probably wouldn't want to swim with dolphins ever again.

I'd probably get up early and go out to breakfast with my family and loved ones. Then I would probably do one last painting then eat lunch again with friends and family. Finally I would spend my last night with my wife for a romantic evening.

Kinda boring I guess but that's the plan right now. I'll have to think about this more.

4:10 PM, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

There was a point in my life when I decided I wanted to die and the last thing I wanted to do more than anything else was to visit Disney World. I had a real fondness for all things Disney and was my secret dream to work for Disney when I grew up as a computer animator. So with all the meager savings I had working through the summer, I spent it a trip to Disney.

I still remember that trip - I dont think I felt more at peace in my life until just very recently when I went to Brisbane (last week) and saw the polar bears...

9:02 PM, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Awww, you poor thing. Your daughter's dream would probably be to have her mommy by her side through all her major milestones in life. It is every child's hope to grow up with her parent(s) by her side.

Don't you think if you saw her swim with the dolphins, happily waving at you, you wouldn't have this tiny desire deep within to be there for her a while longer? And then, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could make her dreams come true every single day so that you could experience that one desire even for just a split second each day? It could be as simple as making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her or giving her a kiss. I imagine that nothing gives a mother more joy than seeing her child happy and I'm sure that your being there for your child in all those little ways makes her happy.

Take care. We're all with you! xoxo

10:39 PM, February 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't think of a single thing I'd want to do on my last day and, hopefully, I'll never be aware that it is my last day whenever that comes.

I do think that the things I surround myself with are such a waste of attachment -- the trinkets, the knick-knacks, the mementos, the home and its contents etc can't be taken with me.

And I think that even the memories and experiences I've had are meaningless as I imagine they dissolve when the lifeforce that is me ceases to be.

So all that's left, I guess, is the memories I leave benind in terms of the lives I've touched. But I'm not even sure that matters because even that's impermanent.

9:05 AM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Hopelessly Depressed said...

It's funny you should ponder that question, as I have been feeling like everyday could be my last as of late...basically I have been spending the day fixated on the very moment before and when I would actually die...It is one thing for me to say I want to die as I have been doing this for is quite another to go through the steps in your mind and try to imagine and anticipate the actual minutes and seconds of the event.
So, I can really relate to the pain that you have been expressing in your blog and I am sorry another person has to expereince the pain that I have been living with. Again, you are in my thoughts.


10:51 AM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I agree. Your daughter would want her mommy, not dolphins

1:32 PM, February 14, 2006  

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