Alive & well?

Alive maybe, but certainly not well. I'm still very suicidal but managed to weasel my way out of the hospital because I can't stand being cooped up. Subjected myself to more ECT treatments to no avail. About the only thing I got out of it was some fairly serious memory loss and a lot of bruises from where they stuck the IV's in.

Spent most of tonight crying. Desperately wondering why I'm holding onto a life that I can't bear to face each day. Wondering why they say that borderline symptoms ease with age yet mine continually get worse. Each depressive episode more severe than the last.

I know that I'm only holding on for my daughter. I wonder if she would want me to give up if she knew that. If she knew there was no life inside me worth saving. That's too much of a burden to place upon her though, so I keep my mouth shut and pretend as best I can that everything is ok. Breaking down in tears when she's not around to witness my pain and sadness.

If I believed in the power of prayer, I'd pray for my life to end swiftly. A car accident, cancer, some way that is more acceptable than suicide. Not that it would be easy for my daughter to deal with my death, but she'd be better able to come to accept an accident or illness over my just completely giving up and dying by my own hand.

I've had people tell me there's a reason I was blessed with a daughter. That there is some purpose behind my still being alive. I wish I could believe that and find that purpose. To have some direction to head into except the one that plays over and over again in my head....an early grave.