Sunday, February 12, 2006

That damn lyric

"The first cut is the deepest"

That lyric has been running through my head for the last few days. To hopefully rid myself of it I am armed with a razor blade, a stack of Kleenex and my DBT tracker to note that I failed to resist the urge to cut.

I just really need to let this out. Need to bleed out the tension, aggravation and pain I've been suffering thru all week. It's ok though, I'm temporarily past the suicidal thoughts that haunted me since my release from the hospital. Despite needing to cut, yesterday was a fairly decent day. I managed to balance my checkbook and go thru some of the papers stacked on my desk. Even went out for coffee with the kiddie & the ex.

I'm now resisting the urge to purge though I'll probably regret not puking later. I feel very nauseous. Not sure if it's from the coffee or from the failure of my digestive system to operate properly the last few days. I hadn't even realized there was a problem until earlier today. Not to gross anyone out (bet Dooce would love this cuz it's poop chat time), I typically have problems with diarrhea. In fact that's the norm for me so much so that I have a potassium deficiency from it.

As I was sitting in Starbucks waiting for the instant "enema-in-a-cup" effect their Mochas seem to have on me, I realized I hadn't pooped in a long time. Lack-O-poop plus espresso does not make for a good mix. Without going into further details, let's just say my plumbing is backed up and my body doesn't like it one bit.

Ah...bleeding myself out and writing about poop at the same time. If that doesn't prove I'm a complete nutcase, I don't know what will.


Blogger James said...

Ack! Poop and blood..the two bodily fluids that freak me out the most. I know that you want to cut to release the pain but maybe you could try going for a walk instead? Or something like that? Perhaps I'm being annoying with this suggestion or probably you've tried everything else and cutting helps the most. If you must cut, please don't go too deep. I love ya and don't want to see you hurt even more. Hope you don't hate me for saying what i've said here. Just worried you.

11:56 AM, February 12, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I have waaaaay to many lyrics that haunt me continually. Fucking John Mayer.

9:22 PM, February 12, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i'm with James. i love ya too and it hurts me to know that you're hurting deep down inside. i wish i could take your pain away. just know that i care okay?

much love

7:40 PM, February 13, 2006  

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