That damn lyric

"The first cut is the deepest"

That lyric has been running through my head for the last few days. To hopefully rid myself of it I am armed with a razor blade, a stack of Kleenex and my DBT tracker to note that I failed to resist the urge to cut.

I just really need to let this out. Need to bleed out the tension, aggravation and pain I've been suffering thru all week. It's ok though, I'm temporarily past the suicidal thoughts that haunted me since my release from the hospital. Despite needing to cut, yesterday was a fairly decent day. I managed to balance my checkbook and go thru some of the papers stacked on my desk. Even went out for coffee with the kiddie & the ex.

I'm now resisting the urge to purge though I'll probably regret not puking later. I feel very nauseous. Not sure if it's from the coffee or from the failure of my digestive system to operate properly the last few days. I hadn't even realized there was a problem until earlier today. Not to gross anyone out (bet Dooce would love this cuz it's poop chat time), I typically have problems with diarrhea. In fact that's the norm for me so much so that I have a potassium deficiency from it.

As I was sitting in Starbucks waiting for the instant "enema-in-a-cup" effect their Mochas seem to have on me, I realized I hadn't pooped in a long time. Lack-O-poop plus espresso does not make for a good mix. Without going into further details, let's just say my plumbing is backed up and my body doesn't like it one bit.

Ah...bleeding myself out and writing about poop at the same time. If that doesn't prove I'm a complete nutcase, I don't know what will.