Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Different

I think the ECT's zapped me of what little personality I had. I feel so different, so strange, so empty. My clothes don't seem to fit the same. Cigarettes no longer taste the same. I eat, but everything tastes bland. I laugh with my daughter, but yet feel no happiness.

I was able to get a sooner appointment with my pdoc. I see him on Thursday at some ungodly hour in the morning. Hopefully I'll remember to not crawl back into bed after dropping the kiddie off at school. Not sure what to say to him. I don't feel better after being in the hospital. If anything, I feel worse. Void.

I'm considering Vagus Nerve Stimulation as a possible option for treating my depression. My pdoc had mentioned it awhile ago but I had forgotten about it until I read the recent post on Dr. Deborah's blog. But as I posted in my reply on her blog: I don't know what is scarier....living with this debilitating depression and being chronically suicidal, having something surgically implanted in my brain & hope it works where everything else has failed, or having the implant work and finally knowing what it's like to be depression free.

Just once, I'd like life to be easy, if only for a brief moment.

5 Comments:

Blogger James said...

Feeling like a ghost is an aweful feeling. I have that sensation now and then as well. I often disassociate when I have just gone through something painful and traumatic. Hopefully things will allign soon between your brain and your body. In the mean time keep writing and hanging on to us. :)

11:37 AM, February 08, 2006  
Anonymous Angela said...

Sid,

I can tell you that the VNS is not a big deal to have put in your body. I have one, I have had it for a couple of years now, and I don't even feel it anymore. It helped so much with the depression, and it is soooo much better than getting shocks, even though I have not had them, but can only imagine. I would really like to have you get as much info on this, and really seriously consider it. If you have any other questions you can email me.... Angela: ajrt2@yahoo.com.

Take care of yourself, and know that I and others are here for you, and want you to hold on, and try to make it through all of this hard and scary things.

12:33 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I guess the real question is, how much do you love yourself and others to attempt to save yourself with the implant? Go for it babe!!!

9:10 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger ECLIPSE said...

Sid, I lost the plot recently and had that void feeling myself -- I felt like I'd been scooped out and lived like the walking dead for a few days, feeling alienated from everything -- even my own space.

Living depression-free would be amazing, but I just can't imagine it. If I feel vaguely human and life isn't too out of control, I'm content.

Good to see you writing again.

Regards, Jane

1:00 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Hopelessly Depressed said...

Sid,

I am glad to see you are writing again also. I was a little concerned after your Jan 19th post...I have been there myself and I know it is not a good place to be. I wish you well.

-James

10:53 AM, February 09, 2006  

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