Hard time adjusting

I'm having a hard time re-adjusting to life outside the hospital. Even though I'm glad to be out of there, I lack the structure the hospital offers. If nothing else, I could count on smoke breaks being every two hours and meals arriving at basically the same time each day. At home I eat randomly, if at all; and smoke whenever the urge hits. I also tend to stay up most of the night and sleep most of the day away, as if being in the glare of the sunlight is torture.

Last week while in the hospital, I got word that the DBT group was cancelled. They knew I was inpatient so why they bothered to call and inform me made no sense. I wonder if they'll cancel again tonight because I know Ms. N is on vacation still this week. I'll be upset if they do though I'm not so sure I'm really up for going anyway.

I'm trying to resist the urge to do some serious cutting. Not sure what the driving force behind the urge is. I keep seeing the vein where the IV was stuck into my left hand and get this overwhelming feeling that it would be really cool to slit thru that vein and watch how heavily it bleeds out. It'd probably require a trip to the ER to close the wound which is why I haven't just gone and done it. I'm sure if it gets back to my pdoc that I was in the ER, he'll want me hospitalized again for more ECT. My brain's been fried enough for this year, I'll pass on that.

I need to call the pdoc's office tomorrow and see if I can get in to see him sooner than the 20th. Hopefully someone has cancelled an appointment I can take or he'll squeeze me in like he did last month. I desperately need to get back on the Valium I was taken off of because supposedly it would interfere with the ECT's. I may have some in my "saved for a rainy day" stash, but after being zapped, I don't recognize what pills are what except for the Abilify. I know there's some Remeron in the bottle and a few other things, but I can't remember what each pill looks like. I know, I know...I shouldn't be hoarding pills, but I can't resist that urge. Knowing the pills are there has a calming effect.

Ugh, I'm feeling strange inside. Like things aren't quite right or seem oddly unfamiliar. Even something as simple as driving feels weird. Shopping at Target yesterday and I felt lost, like I'd never been in that store. No more fucking ECT's for me, EVER! I personally think it kills brain cells. For once I didn't read my chart before I left the hospital, so I have no idea how much voltage they used or how strong my seizures were. But it doesn't matter, I refuse to go thru that again and this time I'm sticking by that refusal.