Thursday, February 09, 2006

Do or Die

What a waste of gas. Mr pdoc didn't change my medications, didn't write a prescription for anything (not even the Valium). I got him at least to fill out the special request form I need to submit to public aid to get my Seroquel covered until the end of March. As of April 1st I'm covered by Medicare as my primary insurance and they pay for Seroquel.

He was surprised that I only received 4 ECT treatments. I failed to tell him I pretended I was better 1) to get my ass out of the hospital and 2) so I could stop receiving the treatments. I suppose I should have shared that information with him, but I felt it was safer to keep quiet about it. I also didn't mention I'm fighting an overpowering urge to self injure. Something I'm getting very close to breaking down and doing.

I brought up the VNS Therapy and he referred me to another pdoc in his office that handles that. They're going to call me to set up an appointment for a consult with this guy. They said he usually does these consults on Friday mornings, so I'm hoping I'll get in tomorrow, though somehow I think that's too high of an expectation. I just need it to be ASAP before I change my mind about doing this.

I think I'm at a do or die crossroad and this is my final option. Medications and ECT just aren't going to work for me. If I don't submit to this therapy, I will be dead within six months. That's my reality. As much as I want to welcome death with open arms, I do have to think about my daughter. I have to be here for her. No matter how much suffering I have to endure, I have to stay alive and not pass that suffering onto her.

My greatest wish? To turn back time and have my mother miscarry me so I never existed.

3 Comments:

Blogger Shannin said...

As much as that last line is negative.. the rest of the post is probably the most positive I've read in a long while... Although you are still having these feelings, you are thinking and working toward a solution... I am so very happy to hear that. Not only does the kiddo deserve it.. But, damn it Sid, YOU deserve it! Please start believing that. You are such a beautiful addition to this shit hole of a world... Please stay and take care of you...
love and hugs... Shan

1:33 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

damn, i can't even begin to feel your pain that you would say that.

your p-doc is fucked up and isn't doing his job

hopefully this implant will work.

1:52 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I've wished too before that I was miscarried. And I know where you're coming from in fibbing a bit to get out of, "The Torture Chamber" that most people call the hospital.

God how frustrating that you can't get the God complex pdoc to give you the drugs you need. I swear these pdocs just love to string us all along.

Anyway, I second Shannin's statement that you are a beautiful addition to this world and especially the blogosphere. We love you just the way that you are.

I know that things are beyond painful right now so I'll just say, imagine me sitting with you holding your hand.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that the doctors find a cure for all of us. Who knows?! ;)

6:20 PM, February 09, 2006  

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