Do or Die

What a waste of gas. Mr pdoc didn't change my medications, didn't write a prescription for anything (not even the Valium). I got him at least to fill out the special request form I need to submit to public aid to get my Seroquel covered until the end of March. As of April 1st I'm covered by Medicare as my primary insurance and they pay for Seroquel.

He was surprised that I only received 4 ECT treatments. I failed to tell him I pretended I was better 1) to get my ass out of the hospital and 2) so I could stop receiving the treatments. I suppose I should have shared that information with him, but I felt it was safer to keep quiet about it. I also didn't mention I'm fighting an overpowering urge to self injure. Something I'm getting very close to breaking down and doing.

I brought up the VNS Therapy and he referred me to another pdoc in his office that handles that. They're going to call me to set up an appointment for a consult with this guy. They said he usually does these consults on Friday mornings, so I'm hoping I'll get in tomorrow, though somehow I think that's too high of an expectation. I just need it to be ASAP before I change my mind about doing this.

I think I'm at a do or die crossroad and this is my final option. Medications and ECT just aren't going to work for me. If I don't submit to this therapy, I will be dead within six months. That's my reality. As much as I want to welcome death with open arms, I do have to think about my daughter. I have to be here for her. No matter how much suffering I have to endure, I have to stay alive and not pass that suffering onto her.

My greatest wish? To turn back time and have my mother miscarry me so I never existed.